I once worked with a woman who only drank water. She told me water was the only thing available to her as a child. She didn’t know any different, and so only drinking water was a behaviour that accompanied her into adulthood.

Excellent, I thought. That’s the approach I’ll take with my children. And it’s one my wife and I adopted with our son for a while.

At first, I’d beam with pride when he told people, ‘I don’t have juice.’

But then, I met another friend who only drank soda. I asked her why. She told me her parents never allowed her to drink it as a child, so now that she’s an adult, she drinks it all the time –because she can.

At that point, I remembered my son wasn’t saying, ‘I don’t have juice.’ He was saying, ‘I’m not allowed juice.’ These are two completely different narratives.

Now, who knows what went on in both women’s childhoods? Perhaps their water-drinking habits (or lack of) were formed by other unseen influences, but those conversations did cause me to reframe how we position the whole ‘you can have this’ or ‘you can’t have that’ discussion.

Now, we avoid saying things like ‘you’re not allowed this’ or ‘you’re not allowed that’.

Instead, we say, ‘Not right now,’ and explain our reasoning. Perhaps it’s bedtime, or maybe he’s had sugar already, and we don’t want him to have any more. The key is explaining our rationale and getting him on board with our logic.

And sometimes we don’t say no. We say yes. Because we all need to relax the rules from time to time and focus on the long game.

Remember, we’re in the business of raising well-rounded individuals armed with self-esteem. A blanket ban on something restricting freedom might not be the best way to achieve that.

Until next time.

Tom