I’m known as the guy who writes books about parenthood in the style of a journal. But I never set out to do that. On the morning of 16 March 2019, I discovered I was a soon-to-be first-time dad. I was emotionally blown away by the news, and I tried to describe the feeling by documenting my thoughts on paper.

Since then, I’ve written to my son every day about parenthood. I don’t do this to write more books – the books are just a wonderful by-product of the process I follow, a daily reflection on my role as a parent.

I’ve since come to believe that all parents can benefit from writing to their children.

Here are some reasons why:

You make sense of your emotions.

Here’s an excerpt from my free pregnancy guide for dads (grab your copy here):

Writing to your children will naturally encourage you to open up and work through any uncomfortable emotional baggage that’s weighing you down – stuff that you feel uneasy talking about or that you don’t even realise you’re harbouring. Writing is great for teasing out your feelings: it offers catharsis and a route through hard-to-navigate psychological landscapes.

Journaling shines a light on dark places, even the ones you didn’t know were there in the first place.

Reflection and introspection are the keys to growth.

Only by reviewing past events and actions can you properly distil lessons from those experiences. Maybe you keep snapping at your kids and don’t like it. Use reflection and introspection to find out why. Perhaps you’re working too much; maybe your diet needs adjusting or you need more sleep.

Sit down with a pen and paper and explore. Ask yourself uncomfortable questions, and answer them honestly. The answers are there. Once you have them, you can implement changes that benefit you and your kids.

Memory doesn't work the way you think it does.

Our minds are not CCTV cameras. We don’t record an event and save it in the cloud, ready to watch and rewatch at any point. Many different parts of the brain help interpret our experiences and compile them into something we call memory.

But it has limits.

How often have you caught your parents arguing about an event that took place years ago, and they’re each accusing the other of not remembering it correctly? It’s something that’s both amusing and uncomfortable – especially on Christmas Day.

Memory is shaky. And it distorts over time.

That’s why I write things down – especially the details of my son’s early life, captured at a time that I know he won’t ever remember; we won’t be able to rely on my recollections of them in the future either.

It's an investment.

If your parents maintained a journal about what it was like to raise you, would you want to read it? I’m going to go ahead and presume your answer is yes. I know I would. It would be fascinating.

Because while memory fades over time, words on a page do not, as long as you’re honest in what you write – and you don’t leave your journal out in the sun!

I own up when I’ve not been the best dad. I do this because I want him to see my flaws as well as my strengths. I’m not ashamed of either of them, and I want him to know that when he grows up and fucks up from time to time (and he will), he has nothing to be ashamed of either. Not if he learns from those experiences.

And I write about all the good stuff: his milestones and how they made me feel at the time, our family adventures and anything that I find poignant about parenthood. And soooooo many funny stories.

It's a daily reminder to stay present.

Part of my journaling practice is maintaining a monthly reflection, recording the recent changes in my son. This is fun but also scary, as it reminds me of the frightening pace at which he’s growing. As I write this article, my son is three and a half. He’ll start school next year.

It’s flying by!

But it’s easy to let that fact elude me. After all, I have other responsibilities. I have my job, friends and a partner, other hobbies and interests, and other things I like to do.

But these monthly reflections help me stay the course and maintain presence of mind when I’m with my son.

Because – as all parents know – it passes quickly!

So give journaling a go.

Don't know what to write about?

Here are some ideas:

• Write about the one-on-one moments you share with your kids each day.
• Write about your parenthood struggles.
• Record their milestones and describe how each one made you feel.
• Write about the games you play with your kids.
• Write about whatever you want.

I know the clue is in the title of this article, but as a reminder, when I journal, I address each entry to my son. It’s always made opening up easier for me.

Before you go ...

My journaling habits led to the creation of my Adventures in Dadding book series – parenting memoirs in the style of journals. Each book tackles a stage of parenthood, starting with pregnancy from a dad’s perspective. You can learn more about them here:

1. Dear Dory: Journal of a Soon-to-be First-time Dad (pregnancy)
2. Dear Arlo: Adventures in Dadding (newborn to first birthday)
3. Toddler Inc. (first to second birthday)
4. The Search for Sanity: My Life with a Two-Year-Old (coming summer 2023)

I'm not a perfect parent.

And I never will be. But journaling to my son each day undoubtedly makes me a better one.

Try it. It might help. And we all need help.

PS:

I’m always searching for journaling tips, so if you have any, please don’t be a stranger. Email me at tom@tomkreffer.com

Until next time.