interview with a sleep consultant
I’m known as the guy who writes books about parenthood in the style of a journal. But I never set out to do that. On the morning of 16 March 2019, I discovered I was a soon-to-be first-time dad. I was emotionally blown away by the news, and I tried to describe the feeling by documenting my thoughts on paper.
Since then, I’ve written to my son every day about parenthood. I don’t do this to write more books – the books are just a wonderful by-product of the process I follow, a daily reflection on my role as a parent.
I’ve since come to believe that all parents can benefit from writing to their children.
Here are some reasons why:
You make sense of your emotions.
Here’s an excerpt from my free pregnancy guide for dads (grab your copy here):
Writing to your children will naturally encourage you to open up and work through any uncomfortable emotional baggage that’s weighing you down – stuff that you feel uneasy talking about or that you don’t even realise you’re harbouring. Writing is great for teasing out your feelings: it offers catharsis and a route through hard-to-navigate psychological landscapes.
Journaling shines a light on dark places, even the ones you didn’t know were there in the first place.
Reflection and introspection are the keys to growth.
Only by reviewing past events and actions can you properly distil lessons from those experiences. Maybe you keep snapping at your kids and don’t like it. Use reflection and introspection to find out why. Perhaps you’re working too much; maybe your diet needs adjusting or you need more sleep.
Sit down with a pen and paper and explore. Ask yourself uncomfortable questions, and answer them honestly. The answers are there. Once you have them, you can implement changes that benefit you and your kids.
Memory doesn't work the way you think it does.
Our minds are not CCTV cameras. We don’t record an event and save it in the cloud, ready to watch and rewatch at any point. Many different parts of the brain help interpret our experiences and compile them into something we call memory.
But it has limits.
How often have you caught your parents arguing about an event that took place years ago, and they’re each accusing the other of not remembering it correctly? It’s something that’s both amusing and uncomfortable – especially on Christmas Day.
Memory is shaky. And it distorts over time.
That’s why I write things down – especially the details of my son’s early life, captured at a time that I know he won’t ever remember; we won’t be able to rely on my recollections of them in the future either.
It's an investment.
If your parents maintained a journal about what it was like to raise you, would you want to read it? I’m going to go ahead and presume your answer is yes. I know I would. It would be fascinating.
Because while memory fades over time, words on a page do not, as long as you’re honest in what you write – and you don’t leave your journal out in the sun!
I own up when I’ve not been the best dad. I do this because I want him to see my flaws as well as my strengths. I’m not ashamed of either of them, and I want him to know that when he grows up and fucks up from time to time (and he will), he has nothing to be ashamed of either. Not if he learns from those experiences.
And I write about all the good stuff: his milestones and how they made me feel at the time, our family adventures and anything that I find poignant about parenthood. And soooooo many funny stories.
It's a daily reminder to stay present.
Part of my journaling practice is maintaining a monthly reflection, recording the recent changes in my son. This is fun but also scary, as it reminds me of the frightening pace at which he’s growing. As I write this article, my son is three and a half. He’ll start school next year.
It’s flying by!
But it’s easy to let that fact elude me. After all, I have other responsibilities. I have my job, friends and a partner, other hobbies and interests, and other things I like to do.
But these monthly reflections help me stay the course and maintain presence of mind when I’m with my son.
Because – as all parents know – it passes quickly!
So give journaling a go.
Don't know what to write about?
Here are some ideas:
- Write about the one-on-one moments you share with your kids each day.
- Write about your parenthood struggles.
- Record their milestones and describe how each one made you feel.
- Write about the games you play with your kids.
- Write about whatever you want.
I know the clue is in the title of this article, but as a reminder, when I journal, I address each entry to my son. It’s always made opening up easier for me.
Before you go ...
My journaling habits led to the creation of my Adventures in Dadding book series – parenting memoirs in the style of journals. Each book tackles a stage of parenthood, starting with pregnancy from a dad’s perspective. You can learn more about them here:
- Dear Dory: Journal of a Soon-to-be First-time Dad (pregnancy)
- Dear Arlo: Adventures in Dadding (newborn to first birthday)
- Toddler Inc. (first to second birthday)
- The Search for Sanity: My Life with a Two-Year-Old (coming summer 2023)
I'm not a perfect parent.
And I never will be. But journaling to my son each day undoubtedly makes me a better one.
Try it. It might help. And we all need help.
PS:
I’m always searching for journaling tips, so if you have any, please don’t be a stranger. Email me at tom@tomkreffer.com
Until next time.
Published by Tom Kreffer in Parenthood
Tags: journalling
Interview with an estate planner about the importance parents having a will
Published by Tom Kreffer in Parenthood
I spent last weekend at The Baby Show at the NEC in Birmingham, telling parents and soon-to-be parents my story: how I’m the guy who began writing a book about pregnancy without even realising it.
I even managed to sell a few copies!
My visit included my first public-speaking appearance, onstage with the founders of MANtenatal (Gordon Dowell-Potter) and DADS v DADS (Chris Freeman).
I want to share what this experience taught me – both in respect of managing a stall at the event selling books and speaking on stage.
I’m rubbish at sales.
Seriously, I’m rubbish! And I don’t like it.
But I’m great at sharing my story.
Which is a million times better than trying to sell a book. When you share your story, people find the courage to share one back. This leads me on to …
Marketing isn’t selling.
Marketing is storytelling. Sales are a by-product of the story you tell. Do something you are deeply committed to, something you believe in, something that is about so much more than you or money or success. If you can do that, then everything else will take care of itself automatically, on the sidelines – in your peripheral vision.
Fertility issues are more common than I could have imagined.
I spent three days talking to dozens of people about their pregnancies. More couples reported fertility complications than couples who didn’t, and that only accounts for those who found success after years of trying and spending money – I met one couple who had been trying for twelve years. It doesn’t include the countless others out there who are having a fundamental aspect of the human experience denied to them and who haven’t had the need to visit The Baby Show (yet).
Talking is a way to overcome struggle.
Sticking with fertility, we all need to collectively say goodbye to the social convention of being reticent about asking questions such as ‘Do you want children?’ or ‘When are you having children?’ because we don’t know what’s going on beneath the surface. Yes, be sensitive, and if someone is willing to share, then be ready to listen, but don’t hold back from asking uncomfortable questions because they’re awkward or because you don’t want to impose. If they don’t want to talk, they’ll make their excuses. But I bet they’ll be willing to open up if invited.
Will some people disagree with me on this? Of course. But I’m the guy who has inadvertently stumbled into a writing career by being open about my own fertility complications and parenthood. And you know what? It’s helped.
So, let’s see if we can’t move a few more of our species into that same space, a space that encourages openness, because talking helps so long as there is someone out there who is willing to listen.
I am more committed to helping parents than ever before.
Mainly dads, but I don’t care who you are. If my books or talking to me can help in some small way, then great! I’m here.
Public speaking is easier when you have something to say that people need to hear – because it will help them.
I was on stage for a little over thirty minutes (I think), chatting about my partner’s labour experience (and mine) and the early newborn days. I could have stayed up there all day, knowing it would help others. Again, this is about so much more than me and raising my profile. It’s about joining the dots and connecting people who need help with people who can help and are willing to do so.
Dads need more.
Gordon (founder of MANtenatal) invited me to The Baby Show to share some of his stall space. As far as I could tell, we were the only people there with a message for dads.
From their website: ‘The Baby Show holds the UK’s largest and best pregnancy, baby, and parenting events.’ So how the fuck were we the only two blokes there with a stand for dads?
That needs to change. Gordon and I need more competition from companies and individuals offering services and solutions that focus on helping dads.
I’ve lost sight of the mission statement.
Since the 16 March 2019, I have written every day to my son, Arlo, about being his dad. I published my first book, Dear Dory: Journal of a Soon-to-be First-time Dad, because I believed it would give parents a real and thorough understanding of what it was really like to prepare for fatherhood, something that isn’t out there in the market (please correct me if I’m wrong), and I thought it could help soon-to-be dads get ready for what I describe as arguably the biggest identify shift they will ever face.
But after Dear Dory came out, I had no time to promote it and shout about it because I was right back to work with my next book, Dear Arlo: Adventures In Dadding, and now I’m preparing my third book, Toddler Inc., for launch. Don’t misunderstand me; I write these books for me – they are my free-of-charge therapy sessions to help me navigate parenthood. But publishing these stories is not just for me. They’re for other people as well, and I’ve not been doing a good enough job at letting people know they exist. Perhaps I told myself that doing that was me wearing my ‘sales hat’, which I’ve already confessed is a hat I don’t like wearing. But I now see that this has nothing to do with sales; it’s about telling people that I have something incredibly unique and that it might help them because it helped me.
I’m going to ensure I’m doing a better job going forward. Because the work is critical: help dads, and help mums to help dads, by understanding what soon-to-be dads and new dads are going through.
I’m going to do better.
I’m still figuring out what that looks like, but I’ll get there.
In the meantime….
My name is Tom Kreffer, and I write books about parenthood in the style of a journal. And you know what? They’re bloody good books, and any parent or soon-to-be parent should check them out because they can help. Here are the links: Dear Dory, Dear Arlo. Toddler Inc. is due out this summer.
And let me tell you about my pal Gordon: he’s the founder of a fantastic company called MANtenatal that offers two-part digital courses that focuses on preparing expectant dads for fatherhood. I’ve sat through the course, and it’s terrific – check it out. And if you tell Gordon I sent you, he’ll give you 10 per cent off!
And finally, let me tell you about Chris and a thing he created called DADS V DADS. From his website: ‘ DADS v DADS was set up to create sustainable local football groups, to help keep us all keep playing football, a sport we love to play.’
Until next time,
Tom xx
Tom Kreffer
Published by Tom Kreffer in Parenthood
Tom Kreffer is the author of the Adventures in Dadding book series, memoirs covering his son’s early childhood. His books include Dear Dory: Journal of a Soon-to-be First-time Dad, Dear Arlo: Adventures in Dadding, Toddler Inc. and The Search for Sanity: Life with a Two-Year-Old. He loves Star Wars and Marvel movies, and he has a degree in film and television that he firmly believes to be worth less than a second-hand toothbrush.